You know you're a Star Wars geek when...
When you pass out while trying to move a pencil across the desk with...
Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word "Pants" for key words
We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down....
63 Ways To Piss Off A Cop
63 Ways To Piss Off A Cop 1. When you get pulled over, say "What'...
A Cowboy's Guide to Life
Never squat with yer spurs on. There are two theories to arguin'...
Jail Vs. Work
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT...
Actual Excerpts From Classified Sections Of City Newspapers
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,you'll n...
25 Signs You've Grown Up
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. ...
50 Ways to Mess With People in a Computer Lab
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and s...
A Few Words From Tech Support
1. Don't write anything down. We can play back the error messages fr...
A Guide to Modern Operating Systems
Unix You shoot yourself in the foot. DOS You keep running up ag...
You Might be Addicted to AOL if
* Tech Support calls "You" for help. * Someone at work tells you a...
Care And Feeding Of Your Computer
I've been working on a project at work to ensure all our end users k...
Everything I've ever learned, I learned from Star Wars
1. Never trust men in dark helmets. 2. It really isn't necessary t...
Computer Dictionary
386: No, 486: Oops, Pentium: The only chip to consider if you're th...
Computer Viruses
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 1.3gb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80m...
Consultants Commandments
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. ...
CPI (Common Programming Instructions)
Assembler programs are written with short abbreviations called MNEMO...
High Tech Jargon
NEW Different color from previous design ALL NEW Parts not...
How Does a (______) Chicken Cross the Road?
NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for s...
How to Determine if Technology has Taken Over Your Life
1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address bo...
How To Get A Life
It's never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addic...
The Top 15 Signs Your Webmaster is in a Cult
15. Every link seems to take you to www.amway.com. 14. Repetition...
How You Know You Are A High Tech Worker
It's dark when you drive to and from work. You see a good looking...
Ways To Make Episode II Better Than Episode I
Near the beginning of the movie, Jar Jar Binks finds a light saber a...
If Operating Systems Drove Your Car
MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you put the key...
If Operating Systems Were Airlines
DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane...
If Operating Systems Were Beers
DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you...
Minnesota Computer Terminology
Here's a Minnesota Guide to Computer Lingo LOG ON: making da vood...
Computer Viruses Part 2
Ellen Degeneres virus.....Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC Mon...
New Microsoft Keyboard
Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed...
Proper Diskette and Care Usage
Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the...
Quick Guide to Programming Languages
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem...
Reasons Why Windows Is Not A Virus
1. Viruses are free. 2. Viruses don't take up most of your hard d...
Top Twenty Star Wars Related Famous Last Words
1. "Aw, look captain! A cute furry animal!" 2. "I am fluent in ov...
Tech Support
Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically ch...
The Twelve Commandments of Flaming
1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your l...
The Top Internet Commandments
12. Thou shalt not downloadeth porn on thine work computer, lest ye...
Things To Do When Your Isp Is Down
1. Dial 911 immediately. 2. Open the curtains to see if anything...
Things You Don't Want Your Sysadmin To Say
1. Uh-oh... 2. Oh S***! 3. What the heck?!? 4. Go get your...
You Know You're Too Hi-Tech If
You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years. ...
Computer Viruses Part 3
THE AL GORE Virus... (Causes your computer to just keep counting.) ...
True Friendship
1. When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and will help you plot...
Gulf War Quotes
When a Joke Becomes the Truth... "President Bush has said that he do...
How To Shower
How to Shower Like a Woman 1. Take off clothing and place it in s...
Things You'll Never Hear Yoda Say
What expect you from someone 900 years old? English perfect??? Si...
You Live In...
You live in California when ... 1. You make over $250,000 and you...
Ya might be a Redneck if.....
...You think the nutcracker is somethin you did off the high dive. ...
Things You'll Never Hear Darth Vader Say
If this is a consular ship, could you please tell the ambassador to...
Lines You Always Wanted to Hear In a Star Wars Film
Luke: Hey, what happened to Biggs? I could have sworn he was here a...
Things Luke Did Between ESB and ROTJ
1. Spent a lot of time in the gymnastics facilities working on those...
Why Star Wars Is Better Than Real Life
In real life, people drive "the Pacer", "the Pinto", and "the Statio...
Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic
Titanic's big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive. Star Wars has WAY...
Airline Safety
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flig...
Signs You've Been Waiting in Line Too Long for "Star Wars" Tickets
That chick dressed as Princess Leia in front of you now qualifies as...
The Top 12 Pick-Up Lines Used by Star Wars Fans
12. "Hey, Beautiful. What's a nice girl like you doing waiting in li...
The Top 14 Things Bill Clinton Would Say if He Were in "Star Wars"
14. "Well, it depends on your definition of 'father', Luke." 13....
The Top 14 Signs You're Not Watching the Real "Phantom Menace"
14. As if the girl-girl porno action weren't tacky enough, you can a...
The Laws Of Golfing
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to com...
Things to Say at a Job Interview
See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing unc...
Ass "Emoticons"
(_E=3Dmc2_) A smart ass (_13_) An unlucky ass (_$_) Money comi...
12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER news...
How To Be Annoying In Newsgroups
Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations li...
14 Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out
14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's...
Top Ten Reasons Not To Join The Empire
10. Stormtroopers are the Empire's first line of defense. 9. All...
The AOL car
The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH spee...
Confucious Says
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Man who stand on toi...
161 Condom Slogans
1) Cover your stump before you hump 2) Before you attack her, wrap...
Signs You Have Had Too Much Of The 90's
You try to enter your password on the microwave. You haven't play...
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't...
Funny Bumper Stickers
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS? ...
Funny Signs in Great Britain (but could be anywhere)
1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all y...
You know you're having a bad day when
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels. The wors...
Anagrams
An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing...
Comedians' Best Lines, 1997
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,...
Sexual Star Wars Trilogy Lines
A NEW HOPE 'She may not look like much, but she's got it where...
How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace
1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 2)...
Reasons For Being Fired From Toys 'R' Us
15. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector...
Benefits of Being a Woman
We got off the Titanic first. We get to flirt with systems suppor...
Did you know...
The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it. A rhinoceros h...
6 Things to do in an Elavator
1. When the elevator doors close, exclaim loudly "Don't be alarmed f...
Rejected Dr. Seuss Books
1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch 2. Who Shat in th...
20 Things To Do In A Drive Through Lane
1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful ex...
Twenty Management Styles
1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES These kind of manag...
Expressions For High Stress Days
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 2. Well, aren'...
Kids Books You'll Never See
"You Were an Accident" "How to Dress Sexy for Grownups" "Stran...
The Top Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"
New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself. ...
What Men Should Never Say After Sex
1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know." 2) "Do...
Sex and the Law
Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "...
Things To Ponder
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars i...
22 Things To Never Say To A Cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, Of...
Performance Reviews
These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee p...
Personal Mottos
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. Do I look like a fuck...
Pick-Up Lines
1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands. 2. Can I bo...
Men are like...
....Placemats They only show up when there's food on the table. ...
Ben & Jerry's New Presidential Flavors
Slick Willie Double Nut Joy Subpoenas 'n' Cream Impeach-Min...
How To Be Really Annoying
Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and ins...
Female Bashing
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? A; None. It should be...
Inspirational Messages Not Heard At Work
17. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-...
I've learned...
...that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk t...
What Things On Your Resume Really Mean
I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac....
You know you're trailer trash when...
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your s...
Thoughts
1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next doo...
Witticisms
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. If y...
14 Reasons To Allow Drinking At Work
1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress 3. It le...
Euphemisms For Being Stupid
A beer short of a six pack. A brick short of a load. A couple of...
Twenty Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex
1) You can GET chocolate. 2) "If you love me you'll swallow that"...
What Men Really Mean
"It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought p...
Bumper stickers in the Star Wars Universe
My Jedi brat can beat up your honors student I survived the Battl...
His and Hers ATM Machines
HIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN and account...
She Was So Blond...
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it s...
Children's X-Mas Carols
A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their...
New State Slogans
Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't...
Useful Work Phrases
1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique poin...
How to Identify Where a Driver is From
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago. 2. One hand on...
You're stuck between the Baby Boomers and Generations X'ers if:
1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat handle comb in the b...
Rejected Hallmark Greetings
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at th...
Headlines
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campa...
Actual Label Instructions On Consumer Goods
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. On a bag of Frito...
T-Shirts in the Star Wars Universe
"My Mom (and/or Dad) fought at the Battle of (Yavin/Hoth/Endor) and...
The Top 15 Euphemisms for Impotence
15. 180 degrees shy of heaven 14. Performing with Flaccido Domi...
Mergers
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Gr...
Quotes
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's gen...
Newspaper Headlines With Double Meanings
March Planned For Next August L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal B...
Have a beer!
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the mo...
Tips on Love by Kids- Age 5-10
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED? "Once I'm done with kinde...
Sources of N.J. Pride
You watched "Mallrats" and said "I've been to that mall!" At leas...
Top 100 Indications That You Are From South Jersey
100. You've had arguments over cheesesteak quality. 99. When it s...
38 Kinder, Gentler Ways to Say Someone is Stupid
1. A few clowns short of a circus 2. A few fries short of a Happy...
I Love This Country, But...
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an...
Why the Chicken Crossed the Road..In the Words of the Star Wars Characters
YODA: Crossing the road makes not a chicken great. VADER: Because...
The World's Shortest Books
25. My Plan To Find The Real Killers By O.J. Simpson 24. The Ca...
Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving, But Aren't
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!" "I'm in the mood for a little...
You Know You're Too Stressed If...
...relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and sugges...
Stupid Quotes
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I wo...
The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation
1. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you. 2. Me? I've never b...
Classic Tower Conversations
"Air Force '45, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard...I see y...
Dating Vs Marriage
When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue. When you are ma...
You Might Be A Physics Major
if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically. if you...
Purchasing A Turkey
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,...
Rules For Entering Texas
Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. Let's get thi...
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